Sisterhood

Movie night

Watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and on my goodness, really want to go back to Greece. Went in high school with friends but it was with the high school so our trip was limited. It would be so nice to go again. Although some may say you should travel more and see more places I would so love to see Greece again. It is really so truly beautiful.

Anyways girls if you haven't already watched the sisterhood movies do it, they're a great girls night.

Soul Mates

Been reading Eat, Pray, Love by ELizabeth Gilbert

I love reading autobiographical works, even if its ficion but written by a character that freely expresses themself. This book is not fictious but very sincere as Liz writes about herself and her quest.

There was a segment during her quest in India that she had a conversation with a new friend about soul mates. Here is what Richard had to say about soul mates:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to revel another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."

Why I have still felt unsettled. I really truly thought that once you really loved someone with or without marriage you bonded and commited to each other forever. That no matter what, mistakes, harships, you worked it out together. Guess what? To many this is no surprise at all, it just does not work out that way. It is not in anyone's best interest to ever stay commited for the sake of staying commited. Of course individual cases I never thought that someone should stay with someone yet in my head I still held on to this romanticized thought. Now I realize the same holds true for me, somehow I was to be an exception to this rule. The beauty of it though is this, I will not say it cannot happen - oh no. But I am all too aware of the possibilty it will not always be and will love just the same. This is even greater. Because now there is nothing settling about it. I am choosing the here and now with you and this may or may not bring another day and that is what will always keep up close or will have us grow our seperate ways. What is important is that living each day you will see what it is for what it is and that hopefully nothing will ever be dragged... I do not want to be happily "settled" ever. I want happy now, always :) Of course what I really want and know what I have is the ability to feel always. Numbness, distance, is an undesired state I have felt. Now is the feeling time, for better, for worse ;) with or without a soul mate.

Keep on living, eatting, praying, and loving!

12/19/08

the forecast is snow, and a lot of it. of course you know why? its my day off and i was going to spend it shopping at the mall, that's why. my fate, to be inside cuddled under the blankets only to get out for some hot chocolate. time to get under those blankets and hope that it snows, but not too much. id hate for the library to close on a day im already off! let it hold off till saturday! : ) now that'd be sweet (since you guessed it im working this weekend)

Chapstick

It's cold and windy out so of course I keep applying my chapstick to keep nice smooth lips. Not like they're getting any use these days but nothing bothers me more than my own chapped lips than having to look at someone and force a smile although all I can think of is how could they let their lips get so chapped? You'd think that was enough thought to come from simply putting on chapstick but if you know me better you know that the thoughts keep on a rolling. I was doing really well with moving on and accepting that it is that simple my ex was just that into himself and not me and I deserve so much better and so we are not together anymore. But then thoughts still come back to me, like when I put on my chapstick. I even bought him his chapstick! Every little thing this holiday season being me back to all those things that I did for him. Picking up all those toiletrees, making phone calls from dr appointments to renewing magazines, and of course much much more. I have gained dollar spent and time since. Then I ask myself... have I lost anything? was he ever as giving to me as I was to him? will I stip myself from this behavior in the future?

I need to fall in love with myself. I don't mean this is vain sense although everything about it may suggest otherwise. I just want and need that happy love feeling to come from within. I do not, I cannot, accept it or look for it from someone else. I know if I were to do that I wouldn't be fooling anyone. Awareness, I can be overly aware and notice the smallest details and then sometimes I miss the most obvious. So what I will do is this, the thing that makes most sense as I pride myself in being very sensable and practical despite the far fetched thoughts I may sometimes have... I will continue to love me, yes, me. I will look within and do, not think about, but do whatever it is that makes me happy and work on things that I need to do for me to be the best me that I know I can and will be. For starters it will be to go to the store later for some more chapstick because I know I have and will keep soft lips despite the harshness of the winter storms to come. After all it was all about the chapstick to begin with :)

Find your holiday drink

What Holiday Drink Are You?

You Are Champagne!

Your holiday personality is celebratory.In other words, you love to drink!For you, the holidays are a time to let loose and enjoy yourself.You figure they only happen once a year, so why restrain yourself?

Find out yours:

http://www.blogthings.com/whatholidaydrinkareyouquiz/

passing it along now to you from Sonia from Michelle, enjoy!

The Ocean

I love to talk. I want to be a good listener, but I know I am not always. I am not good with silence. Unless I am just too tired to talk. Or am so close to someone I can truly just appreciate the sound of their heart beating. I need noise. As the oldest of six kids there has always been noise around me. While I am fortunate enough to have my own room I destroy the opportunity of a quiet haven with my pet parakeets. They sing, a lot. Granted they take time for food and sleep and are not always chirping away but most of the time they are making noise.

When can I be at peace with myself, and my thoughts, or the lack there of just enjoying "just being", its simple, there is only one place and one time that I am completely relaxed and at peace without trying to make any noise. That place is the beach because I have the constant sound of the crashing waves. The ocean - it is my peace. It is the only place where I have mastered just being. The only time I can truly commit to a long walk or jog even, or just sitting or laying, just being. It is also one of my favorite places to be with family and friends. Not even just in summer because of my fair skin I truly appreciate the ocean in all seasons. Since during every season other than summer I do not have to worry about a sunburn.

Recognizing what the ocean offers me this coming new year my one true goal will be to give myself more time by the water. Because it is where I can just be and put everything else into perspective without having to over think but just by being it is where I shall be conscious of being more. Wow, all this from the girl that always hated philosophy :P go figure!

Parakeets

Only fair after showing off Scarlett's cute pictures I show off my parakeets. Junior, Jenna, & forgive me I am not completely sure if its Dean or Daisy... don't ask : ) I just call them "birdies" collectively hehehe

Photos in review

Just looking at pictures from the year and some from last year.
Looking at Scarlett's baby pictures - she is really the cutest kitty ever! Just look at her! and her adorable family : )

Meow meow

Okay the gray kittens were adorable too!

Advice interpretation

"A New Relationship Will Fix Everything - Women and men alike sometimes think that all they need is a good relationship and their lives will be complete. This is a mistake. You should never think that way. You don't need a guy in your life to be complete or to validate your existence as a person. A good relationship is supposed to enhance your already great life, not be the linch pin that makes or breaks it. Before you head out on the dating scene, make sure you've gotten over your last relationship, are sure that you know what you want in a new relationship and have taken a long hard look at yourself and the areas of your life you need to improve."

A little advice from the empowerment section of dontdatehimgirl.com

My thoughts, yes of course! so true!
What was a major mistake I did before? Well he was my life! I did everything for him, all my free time was with him! Rookie mistake, first love, it was blind. Now what? I'm sooo bored, I really do kinda wanna just throw someone in the mix to kill time with, but dating is not meant to be a hobby, its really not supposed to be a game. I get it, I don't want to be one of those girls! And yet here I am! So I still need to make myself whole but really feel that deep down I won't be until I meet, drum role please, the one. The trick is to be whole but then feel even more amazing when you do meet him. Uh-huh that's right, just stay focused on you, your life, and he will come along when you're not looking, but oh you need to keep your eyes open or duh you'll like totally miss him when he does come your way. 4 months is still not a lot of time, especially after years with the ex so I know I have not given myself much time at all and I really need to chill. I get it, but I am still upset and dumbfounded that what happened to me is for real. And I know I deserve better so I still don't get why I have to be the one to wait. Oh that's right, life is not fair.
The last three years I was soooo super busy...working full time, going to grad school at night, weekends with the ex, and somehow doing all my coursework in there and maintaining a pretty gosh darn good gpa. My new favorite thing to do - NOTHING!!! maybe some tv, maybe a nap, maybe a movie, how about just listening to some music! ahhh. I love it! but then what happens, over active brain steps in, which is what happens when you exercise your brain and no other muscle of your body, like ever. So I am perfectly content doing nothing with myself, so I guess I just need to become happy doing something by myself as well and I will be complete as me. yes. me. (that's for you Jessica Darling) *sigh* way past my bed time, till next time! ttfn

Winter

One reason why I love winter, I can wear my snowflake ring again! Yay!

Tea Party

Sunday we had a Teddy Bear Tea Party at work. Since I switched nights I haven't been able to do our Pajama Story Time. I do miss those, I mean I finally was able to wear pajamas to work! You can't beat that! But bringing my teddy bear to work, sharing teddy grams, iced tea, and coloring with the little kids was definitely a good time. I can't believe I get paid to do this! Well no its not a lot but its something just the same.

~ EmOtIoNaL~

Ok let's just say having it be that time of the month, dealing with the holidays, being single, accepting the heartbreak you recently went thought, reading a teen novel with all the raw expressive emotions, ahhhh, I feel like I am 16 all over again. Except I am not 16 and I was never this way when I was 16. Listening to a lite radio station that's occasionally throwing in soft sad Christmas music or love songs that I find myself just breaking into tears. I'm not necessarily sad before the song plays but then can find myself completely wrapped up into it as its playing. All I need is the song to simply end and then I am me again. That is living in the moment too much. To live from song to song. Especially since most songs these days are barely even just two minutes a piece. All the time reading a story that when I read I feel like I am one with the character.
At 28 I know I still have my whole life ahead of me, yet at this point I have lived. I do have stories to tell. I had dreams, went for them, and have made new hopes and goals for myself. In high school I wrote a poem that I am still proud of today, not just because I got an A++ in English for it, and I never got A's in English, especially an A++, but because I find it very profound, even to this day, I have gone back to my words:

"Soaring in the air, having the freedom to go anywhere. Soaring north, south, east, and west, to find the very best. But when you look, you will find, the best is what you left behind."

I never thought my own words could come back to me in so many different ways. This poem has brought back happy, sad, angry, all sorts of emotions.

The difference for me now is this. What makes us soar in the air? when I wrote it I was only 14. I was thinking about my youth, my opportunities. I knew I had the choice for high school, I had great friends from junior high that were all going to the public school together. My parents made the choice for me to go to catholic high school. An opportunity I know I was supposed to be thankful for, and yet it just does not always work that way. It was so hard adjusting to the all girls catholic high school my mom had wanted me to go to since she graduated from there herself. I have found it hard to make the friends I left behind ever since. Now, looking back, this is not only because I left and went to another high school. It is the adjustment from childhood to adolescence. Childhood is the best!!! I really truly loved it and enjoyed every minute of it.
I now work with kids and love being so close to childhood again. My goal is to now live life as simply as I did as a child. Everyone that knows me knows that I am still responsible and mature and all that, but I am talking about those innocent eyes. The way they look at the world.

Yet I feel like I am unable to remove myself from adolescence this week with all these emotions. It can be quite tiresome. Well I have a fun night planned, monopoly with my cousins. Classic childhood moment at its best. Just what the doctor ordered : )

December

Ah December is here. We're in Advent...the season of waiting. More waiting!
Where I am now, accepting I cannot control everything, nothing is ever really perfect, and it is not possible to plan the future. So I am enjoying each day, waiting for life to offer its next surprise as I am sure there are a many more coming!

Buddha said:

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment.

And so I am concentrating on the present. Carpe diem, seize the day! Enjoying everything the Christmas Season brings, the time of year when "there's no such thing as strangers when a stranger says hello" as Kermit said in the Muppet's Christmas Carol. It is a happy time of year filled with yummy treats : ) Take the time to enjoy the moment which is the only gift you ever really have. Don't loose it to the past, enjoy it now!